My plans < God's PLAN

As it is 11:30 at night when I am starting this, don't expect a lengthy epiphany of greatness. Please only accept the humble realizations that I have come to in my own life, with a SIGNIFICANT amount of help might I add....


I have been an newborn. I have been an infant. I have been a child. I have been a boy. I have been silly. I have been sad. I have been happy. I have been mad. I have been a teenager. I have been "in love". I have been "heartbroken". I have been a winner. I have been a quitter. I have been a friend. I have been an enemy. I have been nice. I have been a jerk. I have been a high school graduate. I have been confused. I have been misguided. I have been self-centered. I have been led. I have been blessed. I have been disciplined. I have been befriended. I have been asked. I have been a teammate. I have been shown. I have been included. I have been insecure. I have been weak. I have been tempted. I have fallen. I have been irresponsible. I have been arrogant. I have been busy. I have been overwhelmed. I have been lonely. I have been surrounded. I have been insane. I have been calm. I have been hungry. I have been poor. I have been distressed. I have been there. I have been needed. I have been wanted. I have tried. I have succeeded. I have tried again. I have been intentional I have failed. Above all, I have been humbled...

Psalm 21:30 "There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord.

I am a college graduate. I am going to grad school. I am single. I am alive. I am afraid. I am still alive. I am adventurous. I am a lifeguard. I am a son. I am a friend. I am a brother. I am a cousin. I am a grandson. I am a nephew. I am fun. I am happy. I am searching. I am silly. I am encouraging. I am laughable. I am ignorant. I am arrogant. I am selfish. I am embarrassed. I am in awe. I am seeking. I am finding. I am looking. I am learning. I am a sinner, saved by grace. I am humbled. I am, because God lets me be....

I have just graduated college, taken the mission trip of a lifetime (more to come on that later), I am waiting for Baylor and all that will bring, and yet I am still unsatisfied with my faith. I am at a place that is comfortable, and I am so very uncomfortable being comfortable. I love my friends, I love my family, I love my dog (Chowder), I love God, but I don't love what God is doing with me. I feel as though I am not good enough, and that God is not rewarding my faith because I feel as though I am failing at it. A good friend recently told me:  

"I think what you're searching for, you already have, you just don't realize.. and that makes the frickin enemy so happy he would keep you there forever...It does the Lord no good if you do NOTHING b/c you worry you aren't enough.  or that you're "not in".  He doesn't really care if you're the biggest loser on the planet if you're willing to serve Him.  so regardless of you have or don't have, or get or don't get, or pray or don't pray... if you're just saying, "Lord I delight in You, use me."  That's it.. you're in."

So, back to the verse I posted earlier. Psalm 21:30 "There is no wisdom, no insight, no plan that can succeed against the Lord. I believe that my plans are able to trump God's plans? JT, let's get one thing straight. I am a sinner, saved by grace. I am not my own. Who's am I? God's... Who's story is this? God's...

What I have now learned, with much help might I add, is the Lord loves me despite all of my efforts to be the me I think I need to be. The me that I am, which HE created me to be, is what HE allows me to be. I recently came upon the following verses from Isaiah:

30:15 "The is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel says, "In repentane and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it"
30:18 "Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; HE rises to show you compassion; For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!"
30:21 "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, 'This is the way; walk in it'"

A quote from my devo today, "HE is looking for those who are willing to serve in places hidden from the sight of others, yet in full view of Heaven, and are sustained by the Holy Spirit". Where am I getting my sustenance? In my lack of gratitude in my faith in the LORD I have turned my heart against serving HIM who deserves all glory, all honor and all praise. It is in HIM I am sustained, in HIM I am happy, in HIM I exist. I am because God created and allows me to be. Knowing this and believing this, I have now realized, are entirely different but both are necessary. One without the other leads to a feeling of emptiness, being comfortable and inadequate. I know because I am there. However I am coming out. I feel as though I am Peter stepping out onto the lake. The entirety of my being wants to be out on the lake with the LORD, but my legs are so heavy. My legs are becoming lighter, and my spirit is becoming brighter. It is here, with the LORD that I choose to live. LORD, let me feel the full weight of YOUR direction, let me hear YOUR voice behind me "This is the way... walk in it".

The poem from my devo:
Just where you stand in the conflict, There is your place.
Just where you think you are useless, Hide not your face.
God placed you there for a purpose, Whate'er it be.
Think He has chosen you for it; Work loyally.
Put on armor! Be faithful At toil or rest!
Whate'er it be, never doubting God's way is best.
Out in the fight or on lookout, Stand firm and true;
This is the work that your Master Gives you to do.